Loves Lost and Battles Won
by Slytherin Spirit
Summary: The old friends surveyed each other and a secret smile passed between them; one of the few things to ever remain secret in Hogwarts was their knowledge of what had passed that cold October night. What made Severus S. Snape reject his Death eater ways?


Just a one-shot I felt like writing. To anyone waiting for "Light and Dark..." to be updated, I am about half way through the next Chapter and it will be up a.s.a.p. Thanks for your patience, I know I'm slipping lately in my regular updating skills :o) xxx  
  
A.N.; Before anyone jumps on my back about the year, it is actually correct. Most uber fans will be able to tell you that the trio were born in 1980, according to J.K.R. herself.  
  
Loves Lost and Battles Won  
  
Albus Dumbledore looked at the figure who sat before him; how he had changed since the earlier years, when all hope had been extinguished from his heart. True, he was still dark and brooding, still sharp with his words and his eyes would never truly be free of the horror that he felt for the past, but the Severus Snape that sat before him now held something different to the one that had entered his office twenty years ago in search of salvation. This Severus Snape held compassion.  
  
"Do you remember, Severus, the conversation we had many years ago?"  
  
Severus looked at the frail old man lying in the vast bed. He was fading fast, and soon the fire that they all loved would burn out, leaving nothing but a lonely memory.  
  
"Of course I do old friend. How could I forget?"  
  
"October 31st 1981..."  
  
"81..." Snape echoed, "the day you saved me."  
  
"Ah, had it been your way I would not have done."  
  
"I was a fool Albus, young and idiotic. I thought the world was mine and I was invincible."  
  
"True, true, and yet you were still honourable enough to see the error of your ways."  
  
"You left me little choice there as I remember it." Snape said, his voice slightly cool as he remembered the encounter.  
  
"Again you speak the truth, but you were ready for redemption long before I gave you an ultimatum."  
  
"I could not have gone on in the way that I was for much longer and survived, as well you know."  
  
The old friends surveyed each other and a secret smile passed between them; one of the few things to ever remain secret in Hogwarts was their knowledge of what had passed that cold October night.  
  
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The wind whipped Severus' robes into a frenzy around his ankles as he stood by the Dark Lord's side, surveying the sleepy village beneath them; tonight Godric's Hollow would fall under the power of Voldemort and all who blocked his way would pay with their lives. The plan was simple; wipe out the village and find the child who was prophesised to be the downfall of their master. Harry Potter.  
  
Severus glanced at the Death Eaters around him; all were eagerly watching the village and all had a manic glint in their eye. Severus felt no glint in his own; he was beginning to think that maybe the power and the glory that Voldemort had promised him were a farce. That maybe, in the end, he would have been better staying in his nice quiet house in Devon for a few years longer before settling on a career. Instead greed had overridden his senses, as had his friendship to Lucius Malfoy. It was Lucius who had been the one to finally tip Severus over the edge and join the Death Eaters. His taunts of how Severus had never got the woman he had wanted had cut deep and left scars that hurt, and when he had been promised all the women he would ever want; at any time, in any way and with no consequences, along with promises of power and money, Savers S. Snape had jumped at the opportunity.  
  
That weekend he had taken the initiation to become a Death Eater. The ritual had not bothered him in the slightest. A bit of torture, a bit of rape and a bit of killing: Nothing that hadn't been drummed into his mind when he was younger. Slytherin house held no qualms over such things and neither had his Father, so Severus had learnt earlier on that he had power and that it should be used to command those who were weaker.  
  
"You contemplate your choices?" The Dark Lord's chilling voice rang through the clear air to Severus' ears and he started at the sound.  
  
"My Lord?"  
  
"You wonder what would have happened had you stayed in your secluded, lonely life with your Mother."  
  
"I do My Lord; you know me too well."  
  
"May your mind rest when you hear my answer. The way you have chosen is right for you. You were born to walk this path, as are others. It was in you from your youth, as it was in Lucius and as it will be in your young. Some of us are born to command; others are born to be commanded. You are a commander, don't ever forget it."  
  
"Yes My Lord. Thank you."  
  
Severus set his eyes in grim determination as the Death Eaters began their descent into the village.  
  
He slipped away from the group as soon as he could; he had always preferred to work alone unless it was necessary to do otherwise, and crept into a quaint cottage in a dark corner of the village. The cottage was small and dark except for a single candle that stood at the doorstep as a well-wisher to the spirits of All-Hallows-Eve.  
  
Silently he crept up to the door, sensing for the wards he knew would be present. There were some, but they were not strong or complex. They were the sort used when stronger ones could not be; the sort that were put into place where there was a young child or baby. The usual wards around a house could not be used as they were likely to damage the delicate structure of an infant. Severus grinned; it looked promising, but he decided to investigate further before calling Voldemort over.  
  
He deftly dealt with each of the wards in turn and within minutes found himself in the darkened hallway. The house was cosy and slightly cluttered with various odds and ends, and Severus' eyes raked along the cluttered mantelpiece of the small fire in the hall. His breath caught in his throat as his stormy eyes settles on one picture in particular; a wedding photograph. The happy couple smiled and waved with their arms wrapped around each other, occasionally kissing deeply before their lips were overridden once more with Cheshire cat grins.  
  
He smashed the picture with a wave of his wand and continued his way up the stairs, searching for the bedroom. He found it soon enough and crept inside with stealth, casting an eye around the cosy bedroom. It was dark but a red light fell through the scarlet curtains as the moon light shone down, and Severus' eyes travelled to the couple in the bed.  
  
James Potter lay on the left side of the bed, his hair in wild disarray and his breathing even. He sprawled across the bed with one arm flung over his wife casually. Severus' heart skipped a beat as he saw who lay in the bed. There she was, Lily Evans, her hair fanned around her head in a deep crimson halo. She looked as heavenly as the day he had last seen her five years earlier, when they had left Hogwarts.  
  
He had loved Lily Evans with all his heart and now here she was in the bed of his arch enemy and he was supposed to blow the whistle on them, leading the Dark Lord to her, her husband and their son so that darkness could rule over all. She stirred in her sleep and Severus watched as her slender arm moved over the uncovered chest of Potter and her head nuzzled affectionately beneath his chin.  
  
Wordlessly Severus slipped out of the room, down the stairs and out into the chilling air, pulling off his Death Eater mask as he went. He sat on the front doorstep of the Potter's house and stared up at the sky. It was a clear night and the stars shone like frozen tears on the inky backdrop as he watched his warm breath hit the cool air in a heavy mist. He was torn; he hated Potter with a vengeance but did he really want him dead? An old school colleague. And Lily, the most beautiful and vivacious witch he had ever known, was his heart so cruel as to allow her to be killed? And what of the baby? So innocent and untouched by the cruelty that was in the world, how could he just hand him over to Voldemort? But his destiny was set and that destiny had him placed by Voldemort's side.  
  
He stood up and stretched, allowing his mind to find Voldemort's in the quiet of the small village.  
  
"My Lord. I have found them. The family resides in the small cottage in the dark corner at the end of the village, by the small wood."  
  
"Excellent. Stand guard and let no-one in or out until I get there. Have you woken them?"  
  
"No My Lord, I have left everything for you."  
  
There was no answer but within seconds Voldemort was at his side. He stood tall and proud in the darkness, the moonlight shining off his dark hair and his eyes flashing as he surveyed the area. Severus had noticed the uniqueness of Voldemort's eyes a long time ago; they had a redness to them whenever the light reflected on them in a certain way. Devil's eyes.  
  
"Has anyone approached?" Voldemort asked Severus.  
  
"No My Lord."  
  
"Then we shall proceed."  
  
"We My Lord?"  
  
"Yes, I believe you hated Potter at school so now you can watch his demise at my hands."  
  
"True My Lord, I thank you for your kindness."  
  
Voldemort slunk into the little cottage and up the stairs silently, with Severus at his heels. They swept into the bedroom with a flash and a bang, immediately awakening the people inside the room. The cries of the young infant were loud and erratic and it was James you leapt from the bed, shaking his wife as he did so;  
  
"Lily, take Harry and go! It's Him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off-"  
  
He stumbled out of the bed and towards the door where Voldemort and Severus stood. Voldemort's cold, cruel laughter was high pitched and filled with pure evil.  
  
Severus watched, distressed, as Lily sat bolt upright in her bed, her hair flying around her face as she stared towards the cot that held her son. Her eyes scanned the room until they settled upon the intruders and locked with Severus'. Her almond shaped eyes, the colour of emeralds, locked with Severus' dark ones and in that brief second he saw her face change from surprise to anger to sadness and to shock. Severus lowered his eyes. He couldn't bear for her to see him like this.  
  
There was a flash of green light and Severus saw James Potter fall to the floor. It was that simple to take a life; two words, a flash of light and there he lay on the floor, his face mingled in emotion, his eyes glassy.  
  
Lily was on her feet now, having taken Harry from the cot she clutched him to her breast, her eyes filled with anger and horror. She didn't say anything to Severus, she didn't have to, he knew how she felt now. But she would never know how he had felt. Never know that all those years ago he had wanted her and been grateful for her when she had stood up for him, and now he kicked himself for never thanking her, for calling her names and for acting as though he didn't care. And now it was too late.  
  
She did not even attempt to make a run for it, knowing that all was lost, instead she dropped to her knees before the Dark Lord and Severus saw the desperation she had;  
  
"Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!"  
  
"Stand aside you silly girl...stand aside, now..."  
  
"Not Harry, please, no, take me, kill me instead-"  
  
Severus felt a slight lump in his throat as the young mother volunteered to sacrifice herself for the sake of her child.  
  
"Not Harry! Please...have mercy...have mercy..."  
  
Voldemort only cackled at her pleads and raised his wand, muttering the two words that ended Lily's life. She fell to the floor, her mouth open in silent scream, and as her body collapsed the young infant fell from her arms, crying as he hit the carpeted floor. He lay before Voldemort's feet and without a flicker Voldemort raised his wand again and, for the third time, called out the killing curse.  
  
"Avada Kedavra!"  
  
Severus flinched as the green light left the wand and tracked towards the infant and stumbled as the light appeared to repel against the skin of Harry Potter. The Dark Lord cried out and crumpled before Severus' eyes, vanishing into a mist that encircled the room before seeming to evaporate altogether.  
  
Severus stared at the suddenly empty room, not quite grasping what had just taken place. It appeared, to him at least, that the killing curse had simply bounced of the defenceless infant and attacked Voldemort. But how could that be? How could a one year old defeat the lord of all evil?  
  
Silently he moved into the chilling October night. He could not be the one to break this to the other Death Eaters. The news was bound to come as a blow and they would undoubtedly blame him for the downfall of their lord as he had not prevented the killing curse from doing its job. But how was he to have known? The curse had worked on everyone so far, so why not that baby? The questions swam around inside Severus' head until he became quite dizzy from them. Shaking, he lowered himself onto the step of the Potter's house. He needed a drink. A very stiff drink.  
  
Pulling his cloak tightly around him he apparated away from Godric's Hollow and into the small wizarding village of Hogsmeade that stood at the foot of his old school. The pub was warm and inviting and he settled into a dark corner with a large Fire Whiskey, watching the inhabitants of the village flirt outrageously with Madam Rosmerta and she more so with them. A small smile of regret played about he brooding man's lips as he sighed; how he wished he could have what they had. Their worries were fewer than most people and their lives simpler.  
  
"Bee in your bonnet?" A slow, serious voiced asked in his left ear and Severus started to see the Headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore smile slightly and slide into the seat opposite him.  
  
"None of your business Dumbledore." Severus spat. Although he had a silent, unspoken and vast respect for the aging wizard before him he would not give him the time of day if it could be avoided.  
  
"Now now Severus, is that any way to speak to someone who is about to give you the ultimatum of your life?" Albus smiled, his blue eyes twinkling over his half moon spectacles.  
  
"Must you twinkle so?" Severus hissed, "It gives me quite a headache. Perhaps you need some eye drops?"  
  
"My we are in a foul mood this evening aren't we?" Dumbledore smiled again. "And what could it be that has put you in such a disposition?"  
  
"None of your business."  
  
"Well I suggest you make it my business before I make your wand a decorative ornament on my mantelpiece." Dumbledore threatened and it took Snape only moments to see that the Headmaster meant it. The twinkle in his eye had gone and the blue eyes were now cold and steely, full of promises and not empty threats. Severus sighed.  
  
"It's over." He confessed. "Tonight the Dark Lord fell, and at the hands of nothing more than a small child." He grunted, sighed and knocked back his drink before signalling for another one.  
  
"Voldemort is no more?"  
  
"So it would seem." Severus grunted before filling in the details.  
  
Dumbledore sat, listening to every word that fell from the dark man's lips. If he were telling the truth then tonight the light in the world had triumphed and the wizarding world was safe from the biggest evil it had ever faced.  
  
"And now what will you do?" Albus asked his ex-pupil.  
  
"Me? I shall return to the ranks of the Dark Lord's followers and we shall continue his work."  
  
"Do you think it wise to talk in such a way in front of me?" Dumbledore warned.  
  
"Why? What are you going to do? Turn me into a toad?" Snape snorted, knocking back another drink.  
  
"I will have you killed Severus. Or worse I will hand you over to Azkaban.!  
  
!You wouldn't dare." Severus gasped, "There would be too many people after your throat if you did. I am valued where I belong."  
  
"Do you really belong there though? I can offer you an escape route."  
  
"What if I don't want an escape route?"  
  
"I feel that you have little choice in the matter." Dumbledore promised. "I know you Severus. I have known you for a long time and continue to do so now and I am fully aware that you regret many of the choices you have made in your life. I am offering you the chance to redeem yourself, to help good prevail once more. Be in my office at dawn tomorrow or you will not be around to see another Halloween; which would be a shame as it is such a pretty night."  
  
Severus snorted again and was more than slightly surprised when he found himself screaming in silent pain. Faces flashed before his eyes and his head split with screams of pain and pleas of mercy. He recognised the faces, every one of them. They were the faces of those he had killed during his time as a Death Eater. From the girl at his initiation to the old lady this morning who had annoyed him by short changing him in the post office.  
  
"There are fates worse than Azkaban that I can threaten you with." Dumbledore warned. "I can make you see those faces every minute of every day until the day you die, and believe me, within a few days death will be appealing."  
  
Severus was shocked to find the Headmaster's face inches from his own and he was scared when he saw the cold fire that burned in those crystal blue eyes.  
  
"You have already made one choice tonight that you will regret forever, Severus; I suggest you do not make another one." And with that the tall, white haired wizard swept from the Three Broomsticks and out into the blackness of the night.  
  
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Severus was thrown out of the Three Broomsticks after several more Fire Whiskeys and a stern word or two from the barkeep. He found himself outside in the frosty night air and suddenly sober as large, cold raindrops began to fall from the inky sky; each one was a slap in the face that brought him closer to reality. He began to weep as the full revelation of what he had done that night came back to him.  
  
He staggered toward the fountain in the centre of the village and sat on the side, lost in his depressing thoughts. Late night trick-or-treaters strolled past him, signing the haunting tunes of Halloween, and as each eerie note was sung Severus thought about the events in his life which had brought him to this point.  
  
The harshness of his bringing up by his parents who ruled with an iron fist, the torment at school and the love he had had for one person that had never been returned, and which now never would be.  
  
Bitter tears welled in his dark eyes and he turned to stare into the clear, frosty water of the fountain. His face was gaunt and his skin sallow, dark circles hung around his eyes; constant shadows, reminding him of his past, and his hair hung lank and greasy to his hollow cheekbones. What a life. He had turned down anything good that had been offered to him previously. Was he really going to turn away another offer? Once which could save his life?  
  
Why change the habit of a lifetime? A dry voice spat in the back of his head. If you turn down the old wizard's offer what will you really lose? What is their left to live for? You'll return to the Dark Lord's side and no doubt be dead within a year. That is, of course, assuming Dumbledore doesn't kill you on the spot for being a fool.  
  
Lost in his thoughts he sat all night by the side of the clear water, torn between his two sides.  
  
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The misty dawn rose red and pink, burning the sky in fabulous colours as Albus Dumbledore awoke from his restless night's sleep. He considered himself to be a fair man and the ultimatum he had given to Severus the previous night had been much more than the traitor deserved. Anyone who turned to Voldemort deserved what they got in Dumbledore's mind. Yet something had stopped him from killing Severus on the spot. He had an odd compassion for the young man that had prevented him from turning him into a radish or something worse.  
  
When he thought about it Albus realised that the feeling was pity. Severus S. Snape had been difficult all his life, yet there was much more to him than met the eye. Beneath his cold exterior last night Albus had sensed something that existed in few ruthless killers. He had sensed regret; and it could quite possibly be that spark of humanity within Severus that saved him from the awful fate which otherwise lay before him.  
  
Albus Dumbledore sighed and eased himself from the comfortable surroundings of his huge bed.  
  
He would find out soon enough  
  
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He staggered from the shop, clutching a bottle of cheap spirits in the bag it had come in. The little sleep he had got on the cold stone of the fountain had done little for his disposition and he liked the way the alcohol numbed his senses. He swayed slightly as he walked up the winding road to Hogwarts. He'd made his decision and he had to let the old fool know.  
  
The gates of Hogwarts opened for him as he approached; he was obviously expected, and he contemplated his exact words as he lurched forward.  
  
Once inside the large entrance hall of the school Severus became a little disheartened and the grand speech he had prepared seemed to flee from his mind, leaving him feeling lost and suddenly alone. A gargoyle to his right suddenly leapt aside, revealing a staircase that wound upwards. Severus decided to follow it; although his intoxicated mind was finding it increasingly difficult to navigate corners.  
  
The staircase seemed to turn up and up, going on forever until Severus finally looked upon a gleaming oak door which he pushed open.  
  
The portraits on the walls muttered as he past, complaining about slipping standards and nasty smells. Severus scowled at the, and stuck his middle finger up at one rather pretentious witch who blustered stupidly before retreating behind her frame.  
  
"Nice of you to put in an appearance Severus." A sage voice spoke from the observatory, and Severus turned to see Dumbledore descend slowly in elegant robes of blue velvet.  
  
Severus waved his nearly empty spirit bottle at the old wizard, his speech coming slurred as he attempted to insult the old man.  
  
"Y'redodderyo'lfooanira'ereatmaowncrathansidwit'you."  
  
"I beg your pardon Severus but that didn't sound very intelligent. I think you should sober up before we continue." He waved his wand and Severus felt a sharp pang as his mind became clearer, although his head felt as though it was split in two. It seemed Dumbledore had simply sobered him up enough to have a conversation; the hangover was his punishment for th time being.  
  
"You evil old sadistic bastard." He spat.  
  
"Naturally." Albus smiled. "Now, you were saying?"  
  
Severus was lost now. In his drunken state his refusal of Dumbledore's proposal had made perfect sense but now, in the sober light of day, he felt that his choice was still to be made.  
  
"What can you offer me?" He asked warily.  
  
"Nothing." Dumbledore responded simply, "Except that you will be doing something worthwhile that will save you."  
  
"How did you figure that?"  
  
"You will be reformed. I need you in The Order of the Phoenix, as a spy. You would report Voldemort's actions to me and we will work against him."  
  
"Can you guarantee my safety?"  
  
"No. That is up to you. You can't be discovered."  
  
"So there's very little in it for me really is there. I'' still be an outcast as to the outside world I'll still be working for him and I probably won't live any longer."  
  
"Actually you will live a lot longer. If you turn me down you die today, this minute."  
  
"You wouldn't?"  
  
"Try me."  
  
Dark eyes met steely blue ones as the pair became caught in a silent battle, neither wishing to back down but knowing that one would.  
  
"What have you really got to lose?" Dumbledore finally asked, "At least by working with me you will be doing some good."  
  
"I'm not the compassionate type Albus so don't try to pump me full of "helping others is good" bullshit. You need me. Admit it."  
  
"I already have done. The choice is up to you now."  
  
"You haven't left me any choice old man. It's do or die."  
  
"And?"  
  
Severus sighed.  
  
"As much as life depresses me beyond all belief there might be benefits in it for me somewhere along the line. I might as well stick around and see what they are."  
  
"I knew you'd see it my way eventually. Now, I suggest you go and get changed; a teacher should look the part."  
  
"What?" Severus spluttered.  
  
"Oh, that part must have slipped my mind. As my most important spy your safety must of course be ensured so you'll be taking up quarters in the dungeons and staying here at Hogwarts; as potions master." The self- satisfied smirk the Headmaster wore was almost enough to make Severus throw up and he left the office muttering and cursing.  
  
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"It did work out rather well though didn't it Severus? In the end." Albus muttered softly in the dying light of the candle hat lay next to his bed. "You came round eventually."  
  
"That's because you have an irritating habit of backing people into corners when they disagree with you." Severus smiled, taking the old man's hand.  
  
"Ah yes, that; one of my worse traits I think. Although on the whole I'm rather proud of the whole incident. You were a valuable member, right up to the end."  
  
"Thank you Albus." Severus murmured, lost for words.  
  
The old wizard's breathing became harsh and uneven as Severus watched his life-force drain away.  
  
"I'll give your love to Lily." The old man gasped, closing his eyes, and Severus felt his hand go limp and saw his chest still.  
  
He clutched the hand tightly, allowing tears to freely fall from his dark eyes.  
  
"Thank you old friend." He whispered in the darkness, to no-one in particular.  
  
THE END 


End file.
